UGHHHH

So lately, I've been depressed over my weight.  I've wanted to give up.
I've fallen and need to get up. I haven't gained any weight but I'm not
exercising or eating what I need to be eating. I don't remember the
last time I had some water. I feel like crap and my head hurts.

I'm sick of losing weight and only see the loss in my calfs, fingers, feet, boobs,
my back fat, and the inside of my thighs. I want to see weight loss in my face, arms, butt,
stomache, and hips.

I went to sears, tried on some pants. They didn't fit they were all too big.. Went and got a few more different brands to really see if I was really a smaller  size. Normally I have to get a bigger size. I was suprised on how I reacted. I got really upset, put them back, and almost cried.  I almost cried
because I remember telling myself years ago if I WOULD never be this big. And guess what I'm bigger then what I promised myself what I'd never be.
So I didn't buy the jeans, I told myself I need to go down one more size before buying a pair.

I've realized this journey is also about mental and physical health.

Finding motivation~in the bedroom!!

It started yesterday~ Pulling everything out organizing it and putting it back. Everything has a spot now.

EXCEPT a pile of pants in my bedroom... pants that don't fit. I've been avoiding this PILE!! I hate to throw them out,but I don't have room for them. Jeans are spendy, I decided if I can't pull them over my hips, I'll  donate them to the church yard sale.. 

Three or four months ago I tried them on, not one pair would button  :(....

TODAY 7 out of the 9 jeans buttoned!!!!! Now this doesn't mean they COMPLETELY FIT!!
But hey this is a little mile stone, RIGHT?
It just means that my goal is to fit perfectly in them by September.

I haven't really been able to tell I've lost weight..  Except in the chest area, my back side (lower back fat) thighs and calfs. Go figure.~ but that was a huge boast!

Time for a change~

The past week has been crazy.
           My aunt passed away at a pretty young age, she left two children that are in there 20's. My cousins are pretty shaken up. I'm heartbroken, mad, angery, and confused.
          I called into work and told my manager I was not coming into work on saturday due to a funeral. I got a phone call back and said I could work a later shift but couldn't have the whole day off. BUT by the way can you come in right away and work the rest of someone else's shift due to a sickness.(allergies)  I went ahead and came in to releave a co worker. I ended up leaving a letter on my store director's office door explaining to her that I had just worked my last shift.  She called me back on friday to see if there was anything she could do to get me back. She told me I could have saturday off and whatever time I needed I also could have off.  She apologized about my manager and she didn't have the right to deny my day off. Anyways, she ended the call with call me Tuesday and let me know if I've changed my mind about quiting. Today, I called her back and let her know that I wasnt coming back to work. She was shocked, that I'm not coming back because I've never said no to her before. 

I've realized God first, family second, and work last. God will provide. I trust this is what he wanted. There has been alot of crazy things that have happened at work and it was time for a change.

little by little

Today, I shaved 6 minutes off of my time walking chambers.
NOT a huge difference, but hey little by little adds quickly.
I jogged a little hill. Once again, little by little. I found a quote
LITTLE BY LITTLE!!!! I can do this, and I love walking chambers.
Exciting that I'm finding that little old me is still somewhere inside.
watch out world.

battles of a fat girl

As I'm taking this weight loss journey, I have encountered feelings that I have swept under the carpet.
Well, now their seeping thru.
Personally, I like who I am. I'm secure in who I  am.  I wish I could be that gentle soft spoken classy lady.  But I'm not. I wish I was a size 2, but I'm not.  Are there days that I'm down because of my weight, YES.  But all in all I am who I am and I'm ok with it!! 
I believe in myself that I can and will do this.  As I'm in it for the long haul. 
As I'm going thru this journey I have notice somethings: I have a friend that acts  weird when I'm eating healthy. (seems like shes more insecure with my weight then I am.)(makes me ponder if were really friends) I have another friend all I want to do is eat with her.  I've been super emotional.. weird. Anyways, cheers to weirdness and my emotions. 

            So in my last blog, I wanted to start out light with my walking. 
I started walking on Monday, it felt great so I walked the whole
3.25 miles. I did it again on Wednesday and again this morning
with my whole family. We woke up early and met another family
there as well.
           I can do THIS!!!!
As I look over my goals I need to adjust them.  Starting Monday
I'm going to start jogging the lower half of chambers bay.  Little
by little~ 
         After our walk we met up with the family we went walking with and
we played football, our team won. I was RUNNING.. we then played
kickball. And once again I was RUNNING!!! SLOWLY but still running.
SO I found a new respect for myself, I can DO THIS.
   I've also found out that I used my body fat as body armor. I'm not going
to allow myself to do that anymore, my weight is NO longer going to
weigh me down. 
  
I was watching the 100 rock n roll hits I found a song that I LOVE!!!
It's called LOSER by 3 DOORS DOWN!!!
I'm a "loser" right now HAHAHHA!!!

My children are growing up~

Yesterday, was the boys 9th birthday. WOW 9 years ago, I myself just turning 17  was in the hospital delivering them.  I had no real fear, I knew it would work itself out. I had never been sure of anything in my life before.  I was told Chris wasn't going to stay around, there was a part of me that didn't think so either. But he did and has stayed. 
The saying "everything happens for a reason" is so true. I've been super blessed by my children.
Not only are they kind, gentle, and loving. They brought me back to church when they were only three
years old.  At the tender age of three.  Even though they cried as I took them to nursery and all during nursery they still wanted to go back.
Without them I'd be lost.

In the last  9 years I've gained over 90 plus pounds.  Tonight it hit me, with that much gained I'm only killing myself in return it's only hurting my children and family. I would never want to hurt them.

In the last month I have lost 22 lbs. That's a start, but I'm super scared to gain it back. SO here's my plan.

First week: only walk top half of Chambers.
Second week: Walk top half, down a hill and back up the same hill.
Third week: Walk it all
Fourth week: work on jogging the top half then walk the rest
By the end of summer I'm hoping to run the top half as well as the bottom half.